The Last of The Firsts

Kel brought me to the realization, that these are the last of the firsts. The last first cry, the last first time to roll over, the last first time to have solid foods, the last first time to crawl, the last first time to sit up alone, the last first time to pull to a standing, the last first time to stand alone, the last first word, the last first sign, the last first wave goodbye, the last first blowing a kiss, the last first clap, the last first steps, the last first tooth...... and this makes me sad. I love the little person that she is growing into, but I am so sad that our 'baby' is getting so big. I just want to freeze time. And go back and re-live every moment. To make sure that it is all etched in my memory forever.



And I am pretty positive that she is the last of our clan. After we had Gryfinn, we knew that we wanted another one. We both wanted another. So as soon as we could, we bought more vials of our donor, I started tracking my cycle - cause we were going to try as soon as Gryfinn turned one. And we did. Our first try was right before he turned one. The 2nd in August, the third in September - which was when we got pregnant. So, although I wanted to freeze time then, I was excited and anxious to have our next member of our clan. Now, as Caelyn approaches her 1st birthday - WAY TOO FAST, I must say - I have this sadness. That our baby, the true baby of our family, is growing up. Knowing that she is the last, that we will not go through the process of getting pregnant, the stress of waiting, the upset of a failed cycle, the excitement of a positive pregnancy test, the worry of the 1st trimester - heck, the worry of the entire pregnancy, the excitement over hearing the most beautiful sound - the rapid beat of your unborn childs heart, the wonderful joy of seeing him/her for the first time on ultrasound, feeling those first flutters, seeing your partners face the first time she feels him/her move, the excited anxiousness as you await signs of labor, the excruciating pains of labor - that you know you can get through cause they mean that your precious little one is about to make his/her debut, that final push - and then you hear the sound that brings tears to your eyes even 11 years after they were born - their first breath of life, that first cry, and then that first look. When you look into their eyes, and they look into yours - and you know that God has given you the most precious gift - your partners child.



I reread this - and I come to one conclusion - I want another baby. But, I know that our house is too small, that our finances are to slim, and my nerves probably too shot to handle another child. So I need to come to terms with it. But it is hard. I have always known that I was born to be a Mom. I have always been great with kids - family, friends, strangers - their children and babies flocked to me even as a kid. And I have always loved to be surrounded by them. Their joy and excitement is amazing to me. I find everything about them fascinating! Granted, when Gryfinn is at his grumpiest and throwing his biggest fit, and I have to put him in time out - I do sometimes want to pull my hair out - but hearing him in time out saying 'Me need Mommy, Me need Danielle, Me need Mama, Me need Kelly' - breaks my heart and brings a smile to my face. Because they, these children, never cease to amaze me.



So - I will have to just live vicariously through those of you who are pregnant or get pregnant - whether it be your first or your sixth. I will fill my void through you! So - please don't mind my questions. I am not probing, or being nosey - I just really want to be a part of it - even if we are thousands of miles apart.