How Do You Say Goodbye?

I am trying to figure this out.... I don't understand why things happen the way they do. I know we aren't supposed to question, and I am not saying that I am. I am just saying that I don't agree. It wasn't her time, she was still fighting so hard. She was not going to let this cancer get her, she was not going to let it win. She was going to beat it, for her kids, and for her husband. I had to have faith, and I had to have hope, because she did. Now, I don't know what to feel. It doesn't feel real, that this mother of three, is now gone.

I think of myself, that I will no longer have this friend to talk to, this friend to visit. This friend who I was close to, who knew things that others did not. She was the one we turned to when we needed a witness to sign our contract with our sperm bank - we told no one else, just her. She was one of the first people we told when we found out we were pregnant, she was in the hospital, and she was so excited for us that she cried. We had so much in common, had so many of the same values, beliefs, my heart is aching with this loss....

But, then - I think of her husband. He will no longer get to kiss his wife goodbye, he will no longer get to feel her in his arms, feel her lips against his, no longer hear her tell him she loves him. He has lost the mother of his three boys. His soul mate. His best friend. His lover.

And I think of her boys. They have lost their mother. They will no longer feel her loving embrace. Hear her sweet voice. Her twins will not remember her at all. They will have a few pictures to show them how much she loved them, but not many, as she was too sick to care for them like she wanted to. Her 4 year old will have some memories, but the older he gets, the quicker those memories will fade. He is so young now, he doesn't quite understand. All he knows, is that she is gone. And in his pureness and innocence - he excitedly exclaims 'My Mommy is in Heaven. She's an Angel now.'

Her sister has lost her only sibling. Their mother left them when they were young, so her sister took her in as any big sister would, and loved her, and comforted her as a mother should. They were best friends.

Her father has lost his youngest child. His pain has been all over his face throughout her entire battle. He raised his two girls without their mother, trying to make up for their heartache of her leaving. He was a wonderful father.

And her mother, who they have just gotten close with again in the past 5 years. They were rebuilding a relationship that had been lost.

I am grieving my friend, whom I will miss dearly, but I am also grieving for her husband, her children, her sister, and her parents. Their loss, and their pain is unimaginable. I wish I had words to help soothe their grief.

I pray for her family, and I pray for her friends. I ask that anyone that reads this, does the same. Her family is having a rough time. Each day, waking up, breathing, is a challenge right now. I pray that they have the strength that they need to make it through this difficult time. I do believe in God, and I do believe that he has a plan. I am just not ready to accept it. In time I will, and I pray that the time comes soon, not just for myself, but also for her family. Mainly for her family.

You are loved and missed dearly My Friend

Our dear friend, Alexa, her son Xane, and Gryfinn