12 Years

It is so hard to believe that it has been 12 years. Twelve. Twelve years since he passed. Twelve years since the cancer got the best of him, and he finally had enough of the fight, and went home. But that means, it has been almost 13 years since I came to him, at the young age of 19, scared to death and with tears in my eyes, and told him that I was pregnant, and he held my hand and told me that everything was going to be ok - and because of those words, I knew they would be. That it has been almost 14 years since he proudly watched me graduate. It has also been almost 14 years since I last went on a vacation with him. Every year, on Spring Break, he would take me to Daytona Beach. Me and a friend. It has been 15 years since he surprised me and bought me the car of my dreams. A convertible! It may have been a Renault Alliance - but to me, it was a convertible, and I loved it. It has been 20 years since he left and went on a road trip to Canada. He was gone for an eternity - or so it felt to me. He left home, and went to Georgia to see my sister and her family. Then he drove through Texas, and up through Colorado to visit a friend. And then on to Alaska. It was the trip of his dreams. And to me, a nightmare. I cried so much. I missed him so much. He would send post cards, and he would call when he got the chance. But it wasn't enough. Little did I know at that young tender age of 11, that it was just a glimpse into what it would feel like. What it would be like when I am missing him the way I do now.

Not a day goes by when I don't think of him. Whether it is a a wonderful memory, or something I would love to share with him, or a moment of sadness, cause I am missing him.

Today, at this time, I am trying not to think of that moment when he took his last breath. Cause if I do, that sadness envelopes me. Even after 12 years. I feel my breath catch, and my heart aches, and I can't swallow. And it feels like the world is closing in. And I can't breath.

So, today, I am trying to focus on all the wonderful memories I have of him. All the great times we had together. All the laughs. All the stories. The rock that he was - not only for me, but also for my Mom.

Even though their marriage did not last long, their friendship was so very deep. So much so, that even after my Mom remarried, my Dad still spent Christmas and Thanksgiving, and every Sunday watching football at our house. He befriended my Mom's new husband. That was the kind of person my Dad was. And my Mom told me today how much she misses him. That he was her best friend, and she has needed him so much lately. To talk to. To lean on. To confide in. To be her rock. That was hard for me. To see her upset, and to hear her say this.


Dad,
I miss you so much. You are always in my heart. There is so much that I wish you were here for. So much that I wish I could share with you. Please give Mom the strength she needs to make it through all that she is going through.
I love you so much. And miss you even more.
Dani