***WARNING***
Some info in this post might be personal. Nothing explicit, just personal. Words such as intimate, intimacy and hanky panky might be mentioned. Readers are warned! ;-)***WARNING***
This post has been in the making since Spring. A friend of mine had told me that her and her partner were struggling. They have a daughter, and they were so involved with her that they were losing them. And she asked me for advice on how to stay connected. I have thought about this. So long, that before I realized it, school was out, and I didn't know if she could access her school email when school is out. She probably can, but I never responded. But I have thought about this long and hard.
It is very difficult to stay connected to your partner when you have a million things going on. With us, we have four kids, a dog, two cats, a house to take care of - laundry and dishes out the wazzoo - two kids in sports, which takes up lots of our time, and we both work full time jobs, on opposite shifts. Not to mention we have lots of sleepless nights. If it isn't Gryfinn dreaming all night long - horrible things like sissy changing the channel - or he will have weird pains in the middle of the night, usually something with one of his toes, or he will wet the bed, or it's Caelyn not sleeping, and giving her the binky a million times a night or having to snuggle her, - and most nights, by the time I am out of bed at 5:45 am to start my work day, both Gryfinn and Caelyn are in bed with us. If it's not one of them, it's the dog chasing one of the cats, or barking at some random noise outside. And yes, working different shifts causes a problem also. I get up at 5:45 am, so I am ready for bed at 9, and I am lucky to get to bed by 10, most nights it's not til closer to 11, and I am grumpy by this point. Kel works til 11. So she isn't ready for bed til closer to 1. By this time, I am probably in a deep deep sleep - or have just falling back to sleep cause Gryfinn or Caelyn just woke up - or I am about to be woken up cause one of them is about to wake up. So - finding time for Kelly and I as partners and not just parents is difficult. But it is important.
When we aren't connected, I feel lost. Like a part of me is missing. And the longer we go without connecting, the harder it seems to find the time to connect. I don't like feeling disconnected from her. Being her partner is part of what makes me who I am. And I don't like going through the day - just being. And that is how I feel when we aren't connected.
For those of you that have partners, what do you do to stay connected? We all have different lives, some of us have multiple kids, some only have one, and some are working towards their first. But we all have stress factors - whether it's work, or health issues, or sports, or multiple kids, or animals, or family, or exes, or a mixture of the above, or for some, all of the above. What do you do to keep that spark between you and your partner? To keep your love alive and strong?
It's not always easy for us to get a sitter and go out. But we do try and do that sometimes. Before we had Gryfinn, we made a pact and said that we would try and go out just us once a month. And we did a fairly good job. Once Caelyn came along, we have not been so good at it. My Mom is our main sitter for when we want to do anything without the kids. And she is always pulled every which way by all of her kids and grandkids that we try not to ask her very often. I know she loves keeping our kids, but we feel bad. Cause she needs time for her too. And I know that our kids can be a handful. And if you are already stressed, they can add to it. And Kel's Mom, we don't ask her often. Actually, she kept all of the kids for the first time ever for us to go to a party at my brothers new house a couple of weeks ago. So - yeah, we don't get out without the kids very often at all.
So - we have to try and find ways to connect with the kids around. And it is tough. One thing that seems to work for us is to shower together. The big boys can keep an eye on their younger siblings for a few, or while Caelyn is napping and Gryfinn is watching Blues Clues. And it may be super quick, and no hanky panky - but it is just us, and being in the shower together (even without any hanky panky) is intimate. And that is a good way to connect.
Ok - so this is just one way to stay connected - so now it is your turn to tell me what you do to stay connected to your spouse? To get that closeness, that intimacy that is needed to keep a relationship strong.
I believe that anyone can post now - even anonymous. So - please do. (and maybe just sign a name if you want) If you are a lurker, now is the time to delurk and make yourself known. We all have little secrets that we use to keep our relationships strong. So, please, lets share!
***my friend that I have neglected to email back - I hope you read this, and know that I didn't forget. I have been thinking long and hard about how to respond. I am sorry it has taken me so long to do so.
10 comments:
Ok girls.... Im having a hard time reading your blog the writing is so small... Or my eyes are going bad! I love reading your blog..:)
If anyone else is having problems let me know - I changed the layout - so maybe that will help. Maybe I need to use the large font and not the normal one.
Let me know! Thanks!
I could read it ok. And so much of it is just the same with me and Jilly, except her kids are 13, 11 and 8 so we dont have the night time problems with them.
We've both been working full time at the hospital for the last two years as students so we have only really had evenings and weekends. But i have done a few evening shifts for money as well.
I think because we do not always get the time to ourselves just us very often, when we do its really special and we really appreciate it. This can be as simple as lying on our bed for 10 minutes and holding each other. We definitely couldnt live without having those close moments together. They emphasise how much we love each other.
I think couples do have to try and grab moments together when they can and make the effort to do something alone. Oh and i agree, having a shower together is an excellent way of getting close.
Hope your friends are doing ok x
I can read it just fine.
We went through this after Syd. We sought counseling to help us and she said that this is ALL too common in the lesbian community. Not just with moms but with couples.
You tend to fall in to "friendship" It's easy with 2 girls....we aren't the sexual aggressors in relationships normally.
It makes sense if you think about it.
Sex is usually the last priority when a woman makes her to do list.
The only advice the counseler gave us was to "just do it" :)
It felt awkward and uncomfortable to make the first move after it had been so long. I felt like a mom and no longer a sexual partner.
We did just what she said. we just did it. and then we did it again and again and again because after jumping back on the horse you remember that you like to ride. ;-)
We've had to do this after each birth. LUCKILY after the first time after Syd we realized that it's not as uncomfortable as we think it's going to be so we do "just do it".
Enough about sex. We also go on date night at LEAST once a month. (we are going tonight)
We have 5 kids and have a list of all of the 14-16 year old girls in the neighborhood on speed dial.
We try not to talk about kids but we usually do. We also sit and eat without kids and noise and drink an adult beverage and catch a movie that has swear words in it.
We shop without kids we run errands, we hang out with friends. It rejuvinates us. Energizes us. Helps us get through the next big tantrum or night without sleep.
My recommendation is to plan a make out session. Don't plan on having sex. but put a long time limit on the heavy petting.
Rosie Odonell once compared sex to working out. She said, she hated thinking about it, it was a lot of work but after you felt so good and you were glad you did it.
She and Kelly schedule their sex life and she says that you have to with kids.
Good luck. Sorry I took over your comments.
This is a HUGE issue in the lesbian community and it saddens me to see couples splitting over it. ESPECIALLY when there are kids involved.
I have seen this too often and it breaks my heart.
Your so wonderful! It was really small and because of the style writing it was hard to read. That being said everyone else could read it but me ??? Thank you for changing it for little ol me :) I wanted to tell you Im having a sale today for Sofia's clothes would you like me to send you pictures of whats left later to see if there is anything you would like :)
Connected whats that??? Ha time is not an easy thing for us my Dh works early goes to bed early.. We always have dinner together and try to stay close hanging out on the weekends with Sofia. Sex well that is maybe once a week. But that could because I have been pregnant the last two years... Hes a trooper letting me be pregnant all the time with other peoples babies :) I love him for being so supportive...Oh yeah as for the shower I really like being alone in the shower it is the "ONLY" time I am ever alone :)
I am glad you changed the font- I have not been able to read the last couple of posts- so I will get to them today- I just did not want to admit it might be me- although I thought it was really cute.
This is an interesting topic because Jen and I struggle with this all the time and I don't know if we have an answer yet either.
We give each other a lot of cards and write notes. It is hard when you have not been intimate to get back into the grove and you always feel better when you do- but the journey there is long sometimes.
Communication is the key I think- telling your partner when you NEED some together time. Making time to do things together- even if it is just going to WalMart. Hold hands- we are always holding hands and snuggle at night.
Relationships are work- and sometimes a lot of work. Keep plugging away at it and most of all laugh together!
I love the shower idea. Thanks! Will try it soon!
I agree that communication is the the main need. You have to tell eachother what is going through your minds.
I love my wife with everything I have and it is so hard to just get five minutes with her. We can be sitting there talking, and get interupted one hundred times by the boys or our three year old saying our names until we cant take it any longer, and give in.
It is just sometimes you cant catch up with life, if you let everything else take over it will destroy your sanity.
I take a lot of the blame with this subject, but it just takes work and faith in your partner. Then also just making time for eachother. I love leaving the cards and notes, and seeing that beautiful smile.
You girls are great, and what a hard subject to talk about, I hope things are getting better for you both.
My input on staying connected.... You're standing at the kitchen sink at 9:30 pm getting ready to clean up the dinner dishes. You're tired. The countertop is covered with dirty dishes. You have to unload, then load the dishwasher, then wash the rest that need hand washing. You just want to go to bed but you know in the morning when you face the disastrous kitchen, you'll regret that you didn't do it. Ugh, better get started. But wait...your wife is suddenly behind you rubbing your shoulders and neck. Running her fingers through your hair giving your scalp a nice slow massage. Kissing your shoulders and neck. You turn to face her and....WHOA!!!I think we better stop right here! I'm not the kind of girl to kiss and tell. Let's just say that the dishes did not get done last night, the kitchen was a mess this morning, and neither of us regretted it one bit. And my wonderful wife cleaned that mess up today. Man, am I lucky or what?
So my advice, sometimes you gotta say "Screw the dishes!"
Great post by the way, and I think we can all benefit from each other's experiences and advice.
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