At a Loss.....

Not so much for words, but maybe for feelings, or maybe how to describe what I am feeling. I lost my father to cancer over 10 years ago. I was devastated. Lost. So upset. I have lost Grandparents, and Aunts, and Uncles. And it has been hard. But to have a friend, who is only 29, who is so young, and was once so full of life, to be fighting for her life. To be fighting the ultimate battle. It has just done something to me. She is not just a woman, she is also a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. A friend who I fear is slipping away. With each day, she gets weaker. With each day, she gets sicker. She is now back in the hospital. She is in a lot of pain. And they aren't even sure what is causing her pain. They have done a scan, but they are waiting on her previous test results to come in from Pittsburgh so they can compare them. They believe that she may have some swelling on or around her brain, and that this could be what is causing her pain. I am just ready for this Miracle that I have been praying for.

And then people ask me - is there really any hope left? How am I to answer that? Who am I to answer that? Yes, I am afraid that we are losing her. But have I given up hope? No. As long as all of her family and friends, and strangers alike, continue to have hope, then there will be hope.

And I feel guilty at times, living my life. Knowing that each day is a struggle for her. That she can't even take care of her kids. That she is sick, and in pain, and has to watch others take care of her 3 beautiful boys. I know that I have to continue with my life, but at times I do, I just feel guilty. We take so much for granted. I admit, that when I have felt really bad due to morning sickness, that I will complain to Kelly. And then I feel even more guilty. Cause nothing I am feeling, or have felt, even compares to what she is going through on a daily, hourly basis.

And I think about her so very much. Pretty much all the time. And Kelly and I talk about her so much. So much, that I am sure that Junebug will think that is her name. And then that makes me think, if she is a girl, that it just feels right. To name her after a dear friend. She is the strongest woman I know. She has overcome so many hurdles. And has kept positive, and had so much hope. And Kelly agrees. That it just feels right. But I feel that we need to talk to her about this. But with her being so sick, I am not sure how to bring it up. And I don't want her to feel like we want to do it because we think she is dying. We want to do it because she is living. Because she is so strong, and we would be blessed if our daughter had her name, and was half as strong as she is. And another thing, our Junebug is due June 10, and our friend's birthday is June 5. See - it just feels right.

I will finish up with this prayer.

Dear God,

Please continue to watch over our dear friend. She is very sick, and in a lot of pain. I do want her to get better, and I do want a Miracle to be granted. But I do not want her to suffer. Please just let her be well enough to enjoy her kids before You take her Home. Whether that be in 50 years or in 2 months. Just let her enjoy her kids for the rest of her life. Let her not be in pain, and let her not be sick. So that she can live the rest of her life to the fullest. And please watch over her husband, and her kids, her father and her sister. This is a very rough time for them. Having to watch someone that they love so dearly struggle to live. Please give them the strength to handle what You have in store. It is in Your Hands.

Amen